Just Can't Live A Lie
by shoppingal87
Summary: An AdDek story. Addison makes a mistake that later has serious consequences for her and Derek.
1. Bad Day

_**Author's Note: Okay, I'm a MerDer fan writing an AdDek fanfic because on the show I want Meredith and Derek to be together, but in fanfics I sometimes like Addison and Derek together. So, I'll write a MerDer fic next and maybe keep alternating if I'm inspired enough. This is my first Grey's Anatomy fanfiction, so I don't know if it's any good, but hopefully some people will like it! I have three chapters written and a plan of where this is going, so hopefully it'll turn out well! The title is from the Carrie Underwood song, "I Just Can't Live A Lie." I'll probably post the next chapter mid-week and the third one by next weekend. Hopefully I'll have time to finish it by then and start the fourth one. I have finals over the next few weeks though, so it may take a bit longer, but I'll try not to let it take too long! I'm not sure about this fanfic at all; I don't know ifit's any good so I wasn't going to post it, but I nver have confidence in my own writing, so I decided I'd give it a try. This first chapter isn't too exciting, I guess it's kinda setting things up for the future. I have some more dramatic things planned for Addison and Derek as I go along though.Please read and review!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters.**_

Addison sat on the edge of the hotel bed, staring out the window. '_What have I done?' _She thought to herself.

"Hey hun, sleep well?"

"Fine," She smiled weakly. "I'm just going in the shower; I have a shift in an hour."

She went into the bathroom and shut the door.

-- Flashback --

Mark pulled up to Seattle Grace Hospital to pick up his paycheck for the job he'd done that week and was ready to head back to New York after the weekend.

While he was walking to the door he noticed a woman sitting on a bench alone looking somber and upset.

He immediately recognized her and walked over, "Mind if I sit down?"

She shrugged, still staring straight ahead.

He took a seat, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she replied quietly, fighting back tears, knowing that Mark wasn't the person she should be talking to.

"Come on," he coaxed. "I know you too well. Something happened."

She was tired of putting on a brave face and Mark was one of the few people who had seen her fall apart back in New York, so she figured she had nothing to lose. "Derek and I had a big fight this afternoon." She let a few tears roll down her cheeks.

"About what?"

"He was annoyed that I was talking to you earlier. I think he's afraid I'll cheat again, he still doesn't trust me. I told him I was just being civil to you and there's absolutely nothing between us."

"Isn't there?" he asked, clearly hurt.

"What?" she asked, taken aback by his response. Her sadness turned into anger.

"Come on, there's history with us."

"Yea, not good history. And Derek and I have been married for _eleven _years!"

"Are you going to deny your feelings for me?"

"I'm sorry Mark. I just don't have any feelings for you. I love my husband and I'm trying very hard to keep him happy and he doesn't seem to care and I don't know what to do." The tears began to sting her eyes again.

"That's just it. Derek doesn't see what a great wife he has. If he can't see it, then he doesn't deserve you. You're a New Yorker at heart, I can see you're not happy here. I'm leaving tomorrow. Meet me tonight at Joe's if you still care about us and want to start over again, back in New York."

He wiped her tears, then looked her in the eyes and walked away.

A few hours later Addison found herself walking into Joe's Bar. She didn't know why she was there; she loved Derek, not Mark, and wanted to reconcile with him. Yet she felt like she wasn't ready to go home and face him.

'_A drink will take the edge off.' _She reasoned. _'And it'll give me a chance to talk to Mark and explain that I just don't love him and can't go back with him. Maybe he'll stop asking me about it.'_

She sat down next to Mark with the intention of telling him that she never wanted to speak to him again, but as he talked and she drank, something seemed to change.

She was lonely in Seattle, where she thought everyone hated her, and Mark was there and saying all the right things. He was comfortable and familiar. By the time he suggested that she come back to his hotel room, she was drunk and her judgment was poor. He wasn't as drunk as she was, but he would have done this even if he was sober; he loved her and wanted her back. The rest of the details were fuzzy for Addison. She vaguely remembered sleeping with Mark, without even protesting, and after that she just remembered waking up in the unfamiliar place, next to a somewhat familiar man.

--End Flashback--

She hoped he'd be gone by the time she got out of the shower, but unfortunately for her, he was still there.

"Addie, I ordered room service so we can have a nice breakfast."

"I don't have time. I already told you I have to get to the hospital," she said, annoyed.

"You have a half hour Addie."

"Stop calling me that!"

"Last night you said you loved it when I called you that. What's wrong?"

"I have to get to the hospital early to check on some patients," she replied, dismissing the question.

"Okay, how about dinner tonight then?"

She sighed. "Look, we can't do this. Last night was a mistake. I'm in love with another man and you know it. You took advantage."

"You're not _really _in love with him. You know that you're a true New Yorker. What are you doing in Seattle?"

"He likes it here and we're trying to make it work, so as long as he's happy then I'm trying to be happy here. You are just getting in the way…_again_."

"Hey, last time _you _came on to _me. _And you see the way Derek looks at her. He's not in love with you anymore. He loves her now."

"Mark, get out!' she shouted.

"What? I'm paying for this room! Besides, we belong together Addie."

"No! I'm with Derek. And I'm leaving for work. Goodbye Mark. Go back to New York and move on," she said firmly. She turned around and left the room.

"Crap!" She had reached the parking lot and realized that her car wasn't there.

Mark followed a minute later. "How nice of you to hold the elevator for me," he said sarcastically.

"No problem," she replied, no emotion in her voice.

"Come on, I'll drive you." he relented.

"You're the last person I'd want to show up with at Seattle Grace!"

"Fine. I'll drop you a block away."

"No. There's a cab, I'm taking it."

Again she walked away from him, this time headed towards the taxi. She approached the cab, only to find out that he was off-duty. Suddenly, her pager went off.

"Damnit!" she stamped her foot.

"I'm still offering that ride," Mark said, walking up behind her.

"Fine," she said through clenched teeth.

The car ride to the hospital was mostly silent, despite Mark's numerous attempts to start conversations.

Addison was distracted by her own thoughts. _'What did I do? Why did I do it? How could I do this to Derek?' _

He pulled up in front of Seattle Grace Hospital.

"Thanks for the ride," she said coldly, as she got out of the car.

Derek was walking through the parking lot when he saw a familiar car. _'Mark.' _He thought angrily. _'What is he stilldoing here?'_

Once he got closer to the hospital, he saw that a woman was getting out of the passenger side of Mark's car. As she closed the car door he saw her red hair fall onto her shoulders. _'Addison.' _He gritted his teeth. _'I can't believe her.' _

Addison started walking towards the entrance when Derek crossed in front of her. "Addison." He greeted her, harshly.

"Derek…" she said, startled.

They continued to walk. "What were you doing in Mark's car?"

"I don't think that's any of your business."

She knew that he would be angry no matter what she said, and she was still annoyed at the way he acted yesterday, so she tried to avoid the question.

"So that's who you were with last night? I was sitting at home, waiting and worrying, and you were off fooling around with Mark!"

"By _home _you the _trailer_!"

"Stop changing the subject. I called all our friends, looking for you." The fight had now moved into the elevator.

The elevator beeped and stopped at the second floor. They were going to the fifth floor, so they stayed on. The doors opened and Meredith Grey stepped in.

Both of the Shepherds immediately stopped talking. Addison stared straight ahead, while Derek looked at the floor and then the wall.

'Good morning," Meredith said, unsure if she should say anything, as she could feel the tension in the elevator.

"Morning Dr. Grey," Addison replied, even-toned.

"Good morning Meredith. How are you today?" Derek asked smiling and quickly glancing at Addison

It was obvious to Addison that he was trying to make her jealous.

"Fine thanks, you?"

"Yea, I'm doing well." He glanced at Addison again, looking for some sense of regret in her eyes. He was hurt, although he didn't know exactly what happened with her and Mark, and he was determined to pretend it didn't bother him. He expressed his anger, but kept the hurt hidden.

Addison sighed as the three of them exited on the fifth floor. _'Today is going to be a long day.' _she thought.


	2. Like We Never Loved At All

_**Author's Note: Okay, it's not the most exciting chapter and it may be kinda short, but I promise things start to get more interesting in the next chapter! I've never actually written a multi-chapter fic successfully; I always give up after a few chapters, but at least I have plans for this one, so I'm determined to do it to the best of my ability at the moment and finish it! I should have chapter 3 up this weekend. I'm not sure exactly when because I have finals this week and next, and my sister's sweet sixteen is this weekend, so I'll be pretty busy. But it's half written, so I just have to finish and type it up. I usually hand-write the chapters first, because I tend to write them in class when I'm bored! hehe! Anyway, hopefully this chapter is good enough to hold you until the exciting ones! Read and review please! **_

Addison spent most of the morning avoiding Derek, but he managed to corner her just after lunch.

"We need to talk."

"Now's not good Derek. I have a surgery."

"No you don't, I checked the board."

"Well I have patients to check on."

"Dr. Stevens is looking in on them right now."

Feeling defeated, she agreed to talk. They went into one of the available private rooms where doctors often speak to the families of patients.

"So what do you want to talk about Derek?"

"I need to know what happened last night."

She took a deep breath. "Okay, I was going to tell you eventually after you calmed down. I was upset after our fight yesterday because it meant that you still didn't trust me. Mark found me on the bench and tried to flirt, but I turned him down. I told him that I love you."

She paused and Derek jumped in. "So how does an innocent conversation end up with him driving you to work this morning?"

"I'm not finished Derek! Do you think this is easy for me?" She felt tears springing to her eyes and she was shouting now.

"Do you think it's any easier for me to hear!" Derek yelled back.

She sighed and then explained the rest of the night to him a bit more calmly, and waited for his response.

"God Addie!" he shouted. "One little fight and you're sleeping with another man! I can't believe you!"

"Derek, I-"

"No. I'm not stupid enough to let you do this to me twice!" He turned and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

Addison stood there stunned; she was hoping he'd come back and forgive her. _'I should have expected this. I hurt him…again. I don't even forgive myself.'_

Once again her eyes filled up with tears that were threatening to spill out, when her pager went off. She quickly wiped her eyes and hurried down the hall. That afternoon during a break she went back to the trailer, gathered her stuff, and left a note for Derek.

_Derek, _

_I know you're angry, and my apology doesn't mean much right now, but I'm sorry and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me. I took some of my stuff and I'm staying at a hotel for a while. See you at work. _

_Love Always, Addison_

Addison and Derek tried to avoid each other as much as possible at work. Whenever they couldn't, they would just act professionally, but the interns could sense that something seemed 'off' with them.

Addison tried little things, such as attempting to eat lunch with Derek, but he ignored her. At least last time she could tell herself that it was partly Derek's fault, because he had inadvertently driven her into Mark's arms; this time she had no one to blame but herself. Back in New York she had friends to support her. Even after Derek left, there was Mark, and Savvy and Weiss, and other people she had known for years. Here in Seattle she felt all alone. She was sure that most people at the hospital hated her, and they were really the only people she knew.

She figured that people knew something was wrong between her and Derek. Sometimes when she walked into a room it would suddenly get quiet and she could tell that they had been gossiping about her.

Five days after her conversation with Derek she sat alone in the cafeteria for the fifth day in a row.

A few tables away the interns were talking.

"Look at her." Cristina pointed with her fork. "This is the fifth day she's easting alone; it's getting kinda sad to watch."

"Maybe we should go over there," Izzie suggested, looking at Meredith for a sign of approval.

Meredith shrugged. "You go ahead."

"You're eating lunch with Dr. McHot? Count me in," Alex added, picking up his tray.

George laughed, Cristina rolled her eyes, and Meredith just shrugged again and stabbed her salad.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" Izzie began when they reached her table.

"Yes, Dr. Stevens?"

"Do you want some company?"

Addison thought for a minute, not wanting to make conversation, but not wanting to alienate herself either.

"Sure," she replied, "but I can't stay too long, I have to get back…"

"That's cool," Alex assured her.

"So…where's Derek?" Izzie asked, trying to think of something to say, and not realizing that this was the wrong topic to bring up.

"He's, uh…really busy this week."

"Oh, I thought I saw him going to the deli next door a few minutes ago," Alex commented.

Sensing that Addison was uncomfortable, Izzie kicked Alex under the table.

"Ow!" he exclaimed. "What was that for?"

Izzie shot him a look.

"Maybe he was grabbing a sandwich to eat while he does research or something," she volunteered.

"Yes, probably. At least he's taking the time to eat." Addison faked a smile. "It was nice talking to you, but I really have to get back. See you later."

Izzie looked at Alex.

"What!" he asked. "I was just trying to help."

She shook her head in disbelief.

It was nearly 11pm by the time Addison got back to her hotel. She was exhausted and looking forward to taking a hot bath, something she couldn't do in the trailer, and then climbing into the warm bed for a few hours of sleep. She knew she wouldn't get too much sleep since she had to be at the hospital by 7am the next day. She stepped into the elevator and pressed the 7.

When it opened at her floor she stepped out, not even noticing the man who was about to step into the elevator. He saw her though.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" he sputtered, surprised.

"George?" she looked at him, equally surprised.

"What are you…? I'm just…"

"It's okay George, you don't have to be nervous."

"Okay." He took a breath and seemed to relax. "I'm staying here for a while since

Dr. Burke kicked me out and my girlfriend lives in the basement of the hospital, so I kinda don't know where to go right now."

"Oh, I'm sorry George."

"It's okay, I'm good for now." He half-smiled.

"Are you still not speaking to Meredith?"

"No…no, I'm not."

"Oh." She looked apologetic. "I'm exhausted so I think I'll head back to my room."

"Yea, me too. I was just going downstairs to get a snack and then I'm gonna get some sleep too."

"Good night."

"Good night Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

"It's okay. When we're here, you don't have to use the full name and title," she said, meaning that he could call her Addison.

"Okay, um…good night doctor."

She smiled at his inability to feel comfortable enough to use her first name. "Night O'Malley."


	3. Breathe

**_Author's Note: I know this chapter is kinda short and I promised it was about to get good, but I wrote this chapter before finals and I was planning on adding on to it, but then I started writing and it just seemed more natural to make the added part the beginning of the next chapter. And that's the part where something big happens. So, hopefully you'll give this story another chance after this chapter! I'll try to write tomorrow and then post either tomorrow or Monday. So, read and review please!_**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, unfortunately!**_

In the locker room the next morning George was filling Izzie and Cristina in on his encounter with Addison at The Westin Hotel the night before.

"Guess who I saw last night at the hotel?"

"Who?" Izzie questioned.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

"Really?"

"Yea, by the elevators." George replied.

"She was staying at the Westin? She seems like more of a Four Seasons lady," Cristina commented.

"Hey, The Westin's nice enough," George defended. "And she seemed different than she is here."

"Different? How?" inquired Izzie.

"I don't know…she was nicer. She told me I could call her Addison if we run into each other there again. She said she felt bad about my situation, but she seemed kinda sad herself."

"Do you think her and McDreamy split?" Cristina asked.

"I don't know," Izzie answered. "She has been acting kinda weird lately."

"Well they're not living together right now, but I don't know if they're splitting up," concluded George.

Cristina's eyes widened. "Do you think the rumors are true?"

"What rumors?" Izzie asked.

"You didn't hear?"

She shook her head, as did George.

"How did you guys miss the best hospital gossip all week! I heard she slept with Mark again and McDreamy's mad."

"Where'd you hear that?" George wondered.

"Someone saw her get out of Mark's car apparently. I heard from one of the nurses," Cristina said matter-of-factly.

Izzie asked her. "Do you think that's true?"

"I dunno," she replied.

"Well I don't know either," George said. "So just don't say anything about her and I seeing each other at the hotel."

"Okay," the girls agreed.

None of them realized that both Meredith and Alex were on the other side of the lockers and had overheard this conversation.

"Ooh Mer, you should make a move on McDreamy. He must be vulnerable and lonely now," Alex taunted.

"Oh, shut up!" Meredith replied with a smile. "Derek and I are just friends."

"Whatever."

She threw her extra scrub top at his head jokingly.

After the others had left the locker room, Alex walked over to another guy who had just walked in. "Dude, did you hear about the Shepherds?"

That day when Addison walked into Seattle Grace, she felt as if everyone was looking at her. She saw the gossipy nurses look up from their conversation, examine her from head to toe, and then go back to whispering.

She walked over to grab her patients' charts and she saw Izzie.

"Hi Dr. Stevens."

"Oh, uh, hi Dr. Shepherd."

"You're with me today?"

"Yup."

"Okay. Can you get started checking on these patients and I'll meet you there?"

"Sure." Izzie took the charts and headed off.

'_She seemed weird,' _Addison thought to herself, but she shrugged it off.

She felt as if everywhere she went that morning people were whispering. By lunchtime she was tired of it and decided she'd just walk to the deli on the corner to avoid the cafeteria.

After lunch she walked back into the hospital and came face to face with Derek.

She started to walk down the hall towards him, but was interrupted when a patient stepped into the hall and spoke.

He looked directly at Addison. "I know what you did. You're a dirty whore! My wife cheated on me and –"

A nurse came over and silenced him before he could continue. She took him back to his room.

Derek turned and walked away, but Addison followed after him.

"Derek! Derek! Will you wait a second Derek!"

He stopped and looked at her.

"What, Addison? He asked coldly.

"How could you let him say that and not even defend me?"

"You're a big girl. You can defend yourself."

"Well he wasn't going to listen to me."

"He's just a patient, his opinion of you doesn't matter."

"It still hurts."

"Oh really? You understand what it's like to be hurt? I was beginning to wonder. Imagine how I felt when you slept with Mark again!"

He walked away.

His words stung.

Addison felt overwhelmed by everything; it all seemed to hit her suddenly. She leaned against the window as her breathing became shallow and she started to feel dizzy. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"I'm so alone," she whispered. "No one here cares. What am I even doing here?"

Just then George came up to her.

'_Maybe someone does care,' _she thought.

"There you are. They need you for a consult Dr. Shepherd, up in peds."

"Okay," she said, trying to slow her breathing. "Why didn't anyone page me?"

"They did. You didn't answer."

"Oh, right, sorry. I'm on my way." She headed to the elevator.


	4. Steal My Sunshine

**_Author's Note: Okay, I think after this story I'm gonna stick to one-shots because I'm just better at them! But I'm so determined to make myself finish this story because in the past I tried two other multi-chapter fics and gave up on them after a few chapters (neither was a GA story), so I need to prove to myself that I can finish one! lol! Hopefully this chapter should be a bit more interesting too! Oh, but sorry for the lack of dialogue at the beginning! Please read and review! Thanks!_**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything GA related, well except the DVDs, but that doesn't really entitle me to anything!

Over the next few three weeks Addison tried to get Derek to forgive her and he eventually relented one night after she cooked him a romantic dinner and did a lot of talking, which consisted of explaining, apologizing, persuading, and begging. That evening they went home and had sex for the first time since Mark had come to Seattle. It wasn't amazing, but it was enough for Addison to know that she was loved and forgiven. What she had done wasn't forgotten, but she was thankful that Derek was giving her another try.

Everything had started to seem normal again in their lives. The gossip had spread that the Shepherds were back together, so the nosy nurses had to find another rumor to keep themselves entertained. Derek seemed to have found a balance where he could be just friends with Meredith and be in love with his wife. Addison noticed the difference in him and was happy that he had not only forgiven her, but he also seemed to notice her more. They would kiss in the supply closet and other things they used to do when they first fell in love. Things almost seemed too good to be true, but Addison reassured herself that she and Derek had worked for a long time to get back to this place.

It was around this time, about three weeks after Derek forgave her and they slept together, that she noticed something. She realized that she hadn't gotten her period in nearly two months. At the time she'd blamed it on the stress of work and her marriage, but now she couldn't think of any excuse. She had moved back into the trailer two weeks ago and things had been calmer since then. She didn't give it a second thought until later that night. Derek had gone fishing and was getting ready to cook trout for dinner. As he put it on the stove, the scent filled the trailer and Addison began to feel nauseous.

"Derek?" she called from the bedroom.

"What?"

"What is that smell?"

"It's trout."

"It's making me sick."

"I know, you 'hate, hate' when I bring the trout into the trailer!" he mocked.

"No really," she said seriously. "Can you get rid of it?"

"Addie, it's our dinner. I can't get rid of it."

She tried spraying scented air freshener, but that only made it worse because the cucumber melon smell combined with the trout smell, creating a whole new bad smell. She grabbed a sweatshirt and headed towards the kitchen.

"I'm going for a walk. I'll be back when the trout's gone."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Are you mad at me or something?" He asked, not quite understanding why she was making a big deal over the smell of trout.

"No, I Just need some air. See you later."

As she walked her thoughts went back to pregnancy.

'_Maybe I am pregnant…no, that can't be it. Derek and I only slept together three weeks ago, I wouldn't be feeling this way yet. It must be something else.'_

An hour later she returned to the trout-free trailer feeling fine. On the table she found dinner and a note:

_Addie, _

_I got paged- have to go to the hospital for a bit. Sorry about the trout; it's gone now. I made you some chicken instead. See you soon. _

_Love Always,  
Derek_

She sat down and sighed, wishing she didn't have to eat alone. Later that night she crawled into the empty bed and realized that she had gotten used to having Derek next to her, and without him it felt lonely. However, she was exhausted and fell asleep quickly.

When she awoke the next morning to the sound of the alarm, Derek was there.

She shook him awake. "Derek, honey? I'm sorry to do this, but we have to get going."

He rolled over to face her. "No, the Chief said I can come in later this morning since I stayed late last night."

"Okay, go back to sleep then." She kissed him.

"See you at work."

She quietly got out of bed and began to get ready. She had barely been awake for five minutes when she started to feel sick.

'_Oh no, maybe I'm getting a virus,' _she worried. _'Today's a busy day, I don't have time to be sick.' _

She ran towards the bathroom and threw up.

Derek was still half-awake and he heard her.

"Addison?" he asked sleepily.

"I'm fine, don't worry!" she answered, before throwing up again.

"You don't sound fine." He climbed out of bed and found his wife sitting on the bathroom floor, her head over the toilet. He sat down next to her and held her hair back until she was finished.

"I think you should stay home today," he suggested.

"No, no, it's not a big deal."

"Even if it's just a 24-hour bug, you should rest. You look pretty tired anyway."

She took a deep breath. "Derek, I think I might be pregnant."

She held her breath waiting for his response.

"Really? That's great!"

She exhaled, relieved that he was also excited.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" he asked.

"Well, I really only figured it out yesterday, and I'm not even sure, so I didn't wanna get your hopes up."

Derek pulled Addison closer to him and hugged her.

"You should see a doctor."

"I know that. I'll make an appointment later, but they probably won't have anything until later in the week."

"We work at a hospital and you're a neonatal surgeon, you must have a friend who's an OB/GYN that can squeeze us in later."

"Us? You want to come too?" She raised one eyebrow.

"Of course! I'll be there for you every step of the way," he promised.

She smiled. "Well then, I'll see what I can do. But right now I have to get ready for work."

When she arrived at the hospital, Addison learned that her intern for the day was Meredith, but even that couldn't ruin her great mood. Her husband loved her and they were having a baby together. How much better could things get!

While she was going over some charts, she noticed Meredith seemed to be staring at her with a weird look on her face.

"What is it Grey?"

"Nothing," she replied, smiling.

"No, really. What?"

"You just seem different today, I don't know what it is…happier maybe."

"I am happy." She smiled.

"Good," Meredith replied, honestly wanting Addison to be happy, yet still feeling slightly jealous that Addison was happy with "her McDreamy."

At lunch Derek and Addison had a chance to talk.

"Oh Derek, I made an appointment for 3 o'clock. Can you meet me there?"

"Sure. I'll be there." He smiled and she smiled back at him.

When 3 o'clock came, they both met in Dr. Winters' waiting room. It wasn't long before they were called into her office.

When she was finished examining Addison, she filled the Shepherds in on everything.

"Okay Dr. Shepherd, everything looks good. You're about seven weeks along and both you and the baby are very healthy. I know you know what you need to be doing at this stage, but here's a list just incase." She handed Addison a sheet of paper. "Do either of you have any questions?"

Addison shook her head and looked at Derek, who had a confused and somewhat hurt look on his face.

"I do," Derek spoke up. "Seven weeks? Are you sure she's seven weeks along?"

"Yes, fairly sure, it's not one hundred percent accurate, but she about six and a half or seven weeks pregnant."

"But that's not possible." He looked at Addison. She had now realized the problem and her face was pale.

"I'll leave you two alone for a few minutes," Dr. Winters said. "Just make sure to schedule another appointment on your way out."

"Thank you." Addison managed to squeak out.

Derek glared at Addison once the doctor had left the room. "Seven weeks ago you and I were not together. Seven weeks ago was when you slept with Mark."

He got up and walked out of the room, leaving Addison alone, shocked, and hurt.


	5. Weight of the World

**_Author's Note: I started this chapter knowing where the story was eventually going, but having no clue what exactly was going to happen in this chapter, so hopefully it came out okay! Once I started it actually began to flow in my head and ended up being pretty long. Did I make Addison too weak/cooperative/something? Let me know if I did and I'll work on it! This is my first GA fanfic so I'm trying to get into the characters' heads, but she's complicated. Please read and review! _**

**_Disclaimer: I still don't own anything._**

This new discovery made things more difficult between Derek and Addison. She expected him to yell and scream and tell everyone else what happened. She expected him to throw obstacles in her way at work and disagree with her at home. However, none of that happened. He ignored her at work and made sure not to be in the trailer at the same time she was. It was basically the more adult version of the "silent treatment." She was constantly on edge, waiting for the moment when he'd announce her infidelity to everyone or blow up at her over something simple and then start screaming about Mark. Mark, every time she heard anyone mention the name a knot formed in her stomach. She still hadn't even begun to think about what she was going to tell him, or if she was going to tell him at all.

'_Maybe this is his form of punishment,' _she thought at first. _'He wants me to be nervous over what might happen next.'_

After a week of barely talking to each other, Addison decided to confront Derek. She pulled him into an empty exam room.

"Derek, why haven't you yelled at me yet?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" she hissed.

"Well I don't think you want to talk about it here. I'm sure it's not something you want everyone to know about."

"That's true, but we haven't dealt with it. We need to deal with it. This isn't something you can ignore and it'll just go away in a few days."

"I can't have a conversation about this. I forgave you the first time you slept with him and I was generous enough to forgive you the second time. But this is too big of a mistake for me to ignore. It affects the rest of our lives- yours, mine, Mark's, and that baby's."

"Maybe I don't have to tell Mark. Maybe we can just tell everyone it's our baby."

"You know you have to tell him."

"I know." She looked down at the floor.

"Do you think I'm going to pretend to be happy? Pretend that we're having a baby together Addison!" his voice got louder. "No. I'm not going to say anything because I have nothing to say to you anymore. This thing- us, our marriage- is over." He turned and walked out.

Addison leaned against the wall, alone in the room, unsure of what to do. He was Derek, the love of her life; he was supposed to forgive her. She knew she made a mistake; she just hadn't realized how big the consequences would be. She thought there was a chance that Derek would still be happy about the baby since they had tried to have a child in the past and hadn't successfully conceived. At that moment all she felt was hurt and confused, but she wasn't going to let Derek see that. She still had a job to do and there was no time to feel sorry for herself. She put on her bravest face and went to find Derek. She found him, fairly easily, at the nurse's station.

"Fine. I'll be out of the trailer by tomorrow," she whispered and then walked away.

He stared after her, half of him longing to go back to the way they were and the other half seething with anger.

She went back to the trailer and put all of her stuff back into her suitcases and put them in her car.

After work, having no where else to go, she decided to check back into The Westin until she had a chance to find an apartment. She walked in to the lobby, pushing up from her eyes into her hair as she entered.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

She cringed, not wanting to face whoever she ran in to this time.

She turned around. "Dr. Stevens, hi. What are you doing here?"

"My cousins are visiting so I went out to dinner with them and then we hung out in their hotel room for a while." She paused for a second. "Wait, why are you here?"

"Oh, um…" She tried to come up with a good lie, but her mind went blank. "Derek and I are having big problems right now…I can't stay with him in the trailer and everyone else hates me, except the Chief and Adele, but they're busy enough, and Dr. Bailey, but her and Tucker have the baby so their house is full, and I didn't know where else to go, so…" she rambled on, trailing off at the end.

She stared at the floor, trying to blink back the tears that were forming pools in her eyes. She wasn't supposed to seem vulnerable, especially not in front of the interns.

She looked up again, allowing the tears to cascade down her cheeks like a waterfall.

Izzie looked at her sympathetically. She also seemed a bit uncomfortable and unsure of how to react. Addison was her superior at work and the woman whose husband broke Meredith's heart, but now it seemed that her heart was broken too.

Addison spoke again, "I- I'm sorry, it's just…"

"No, it's okay. Don't worry."

"But there's more."

"It doesn't matter. You can talk when you're ready."

Addison nodded, feeling grateful.

"Come on, we have an extra room. You can stay with us for a while."

Addison tried to wipe her tears as she was shaking her head. "No, no, I can't."

"It's fine, really."

"But you're my interns, well not my interns specifically, but…and it's _Meredith's _house. Even if George agreed, there's no way she'd let me stay there."

"She will. She knows what it's like to have your heart broken, she'll understand."

Addison calmed herself down enough to drive and then followed Izzie to the house.

As luck would have it, both George and Meredith were sitting on the couch, watching a movie when Izzie and Addison walked in the door. They both looked up, definitely surprised to see the She-Shepherd in their house; they had seen the He-Shepherd there before obviously, but never the female one.

"Hey Izzie, um…Dr. Shepherd," Meredith greeted them, just staring. She had never seen Addison look anything but perfect. However, tonight she looked tired and Meredith could tell she'd been crying because her eyes were red and her mascara smudged.

"Hey guys. Can I talk to you for a minute? In the kitchen…" Izzie started walking, but then turned back to Addison. "We'll be right back, just sit down and make yourself comfortable."

"What is she doing here?" Meredith asked, somewhat annoyed.

"I know she's not your favorite person, but I saw her at the hotel earlier and she looked so sad and so alone. I don't know the details, but she and Derek aren't doing well right now. I'll find out whatever I can tomorrow, but right now I think we should just let her stay in the extra room. It seems like she's had a long day. I told her I'd check with both of you first though."

Meredith and George looked at each other and then back at Izzie, still not saying anything.

"She didn't want to come. She said you wouldn't let her stay, she thinks you hate her."

"Well I don't think she likes me very much either," Meredith responded.

"I didn't either at first, but now I think she's trying to get along with you, if you'll give her a chance. You know how hard it was when Derek broke your heart. Now he's done it to her, so if anyone can understand how she feels, it's you."

Meredith sighed, unsure of how to feel about this. "Fine, it's okay with me if it's okay with George."

The two girls turned to look at him.

"Me? Oh, it's fine with me." George was good-natured and got along with most people, so they didn't expect him to have a problem with it anyway.

The three of them walked back in to the living room and found Addison sitting uneasily on the edge of the couch, still wearing her coat and clutching her purse.

George spoke first, "I'll go get your bags and put them in the spare room."

"And I'll show you where the room is, and the kitchen and bathroom and everything," Meredith added.

Addison nodded and stood up. "Thank you."

She then followed Meredith out of the room. After Meredith had finished showing her around, she brought her to the spare room. "And this is where you can stay. George already put your stuff in here. Oh, and I recommend getting up fifteen minutes early to avoid a fight for the shower. George may complain about living with two girls and having to buy tampons, but he's the one who takes the longest to get ready in the morning! Don't tell him I told you though," Meredith joked, laughing.

Addison smiled. "I won't be staying here long, I'm looking for a place as soon as I have some free time, so don't worry, I'll be gone—"

Meredith cut her off. "It's okay." She looked down for a minute, thinking, and then spoke. "I'm sorry about whatever's going on with you and Derek." Part of her wanted to ask what had happened, but she realized it wasn't her business right now; the other part of her wanted to be comforting and offer to listen if Addison wanted to talk, but she knew that Addison probably wouldn't want to talk to her of all people.

"Oh…thanks."

"I'm gonna go back in the living room and we're gonna watch a movie, if you wanna join us," Meredith offered.

"Maybe, but I think I'm just gonna rest for a while."

"Okay." She started to leave, but something made her turn back, probably the fact that she too had been broken recently, and by the same man that Addison was upset over, so she thought she understood the pain. Of course, she had no clue that Addison had an even bigger secret than what happened between her and Derek. "If you ever wanna talk…about whatever, I'm here. I know you probably don't want to talk to _me, _but I'm sure Izzie and George are more than willing to listen too." She turned back around and continued walking.

"Meredith?" Addison called after her.

"Mm-hmm?"

"Thank you. I really appreciate all of this."

Meredith just smiled and then headed to the living room.

A few minutes later George, Meredith, and Izzie were all sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn when the doorbell rang.

Addison held her breath, waiting to see who is was, hoping it wasn't Derek. He would spill all the details and she hadn't had a chance to explain yet. She figured that if he told them what she'd done, they wouldn't be acting so nice towards her and she would end up back at the hotel.

She slowly exhaled when she heard voices coming from the living room and realized it was just Alex and Cristina. Probably coming over to watch that movie Meredith mentioned, she reasoned.

On another night she may have decided to go join the interns, but tonight she just wanted sleep.

After forty-five minutes of tossing and turning, she decided to see what was going on in the living room. She changed out of her pajamas and into comfy sweat pants and a top and headed down the hall.

"Hey guys," she said, trying to smile, as she entered the room.

All five of them stared back at her. None of them had ever seen her look this casual. She had no makeup on and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail.

"Hey, coming to join us?" Izzie asked.

"Yea, I think I will." She crossed over and sat on one of the chairs.

Cristina and Alex just looked at each other and shrugged. The others had told them that she was staying there for a while, but neither of them fully believed that she was just being so casual and Meredith didn't even seem to mind that she was there.

"Hey Mer, can you come into the kitchen with me and help me get some drinks?"

"Sure," she replied, pushing herself up from her current position sitting cross-legged.

Once they had left the room Cristina spoke, "You're okay with this?"

"With what?"

"With the She-Shepherd staying at your house?"

"Oh, yea. I wasn't sure at first, but it's fine. I mean, she's only been here like two hours, so we'll see how it goes. But right now it's fine."

"Whatever you say," Cristina answered, grabbing a bottle of tequila and heading back to the living room.

Meredith rolled her eyes and followed.

Alex started pouring shots for everyone. He handed one to Addison.

"Oh, no thanks," she said, pushing it back to him.

"Come on," Izzie coaxed. "You can drown your sorrows in alcohol."

"It helps," Meredith added, nodding. "Well, until you do something stupid or have to deal with a hangover the next day."

"I have to work tomorrow and hangovers give me terrible headaches, so I'd rather drown by sorrows by eating some of this ice cream." She grabbed a bowl and a spoon.

Izzie watched her carefully and wondered if this had anything to do with whatever it was that happened that Addison hadn't told them.


	6. Wreck of the Day

**_Author's Note: Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up! I've been pretty busy and I had it started, but not finished. And then the other day, the ideas started flowing again so hopefully it won't take me so long to update next time. I think I'm having trouble keeping them in character, which is usually something I do well in fanfics, but I'll work on it! Read and review please!  
_**

_**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I still don't own any part of Grey's Anatomy. **_

Addison woke up the next morning in unfamiliar surroundings. After a minute she realized where she was and remembered how she had acted the night before.

'_Oh crap! I can't believe I let the interns see me that way yesterday.' _She vowed not to let her guard down around them again; she didn't want to be seen as hurt and vulnerable, however true it might have been.

She groaned and got ready for her day at work. She wasn't due at the hospital until after the interns so she managed to avoid them at the house.

At the hospital she met Izzie at the nurses' station.

"Morning Dr. Shepherd," she greeted cheerfully.

"Hi Dr. Stevens." She hoped that Izzie wouldn't mention anything about the previous day. "Are you my intern today?"

"Yup." Izzie smiled. She was often assigned to Addison's cases because of her interest in neo-natal. Addison liked this arrangement; she thought Izzie showed promise in that area. Plus today it meant she might not have to face the other interns for a while. "I need your consult on a patient in room 3147. It's a high-risk pregnancy."

"Alright, let's go," Addison replied.

Once they reached the third floor they went into the patient's room.

"Erica Dane? Hi, I'm Dr. Shepherd and you've already met Dr. Stevens. She filled me in on your case and I don't want you to worry right now. I'm just going to do a quick exam and then we'll go from there."

"Okay." Mrs. Dane smiled. Her three-year-old daughter had been sitting on her lap. "Emma honey, can you go sit in that chair right there for a few minutes while the doctor looks at mommy?"

"Okay mommy." The little girl hopped off the bed, her blonde pigtails bouncing as she did so.

Izzie tried to keep Emma busy with her coloring book while Addison was doing the exam. When she finished, the little girl stood up and walked back over to her mom.

"Mommy, what did the doctor do? Did she look at my baby brother?"

Before Mrs. Dane could answer, Addison spoke. She knelt down to Emma's level. "I didn't look at your brother today, I was just giving mommy a checkup to make sure everything's good."

"Okay." Emma seemed happy with that answer. "Is my brother coming soon?"

"Not yet, but it won't be too long."

"Mommy I wanna be a doctor too!"

"I think we can make that happen." Addison smiled and then turned to Erica. "We have kid-sized scrubs and a fake stethoscope. I have to go check on another patient, but Izzie'll bring them up in a few minutes. And when she comes back she'll talk to you about the exam results."

"Thank you," Erica replied.

"Emma, Izzie's gonna come back and help make you a doctor. I'll see you later!"

"Yay! A doctor!" Emma squealed.

Addison and Izzie left the room.

"You're such a natural with kids Dr. Shepherd," Izzie commented and then paused. "Have you ever thought about having any of your own?" She pried, remembering the previous night.

"Um…I've thought about it, yes. Excuse me, I have to go check on a patient."

She walked off towards the elevator. When the doors opened she stepped in and sighed, not wanting to have been reminded of the situation she was in.

She heard someone clear their throat behind her.

"Derek! I didn't see you there," she said, surprised.

He didn't reply.

"Look Derek, I know I made a mistake, but I hate you being mad at me."

"I think I have a right to be mad Addison."

"You do, but-"

He cut her off, "No, we're not talking about this now."

The doors opened and he got off.

She leaned back, throwing her head against the wall. "How can we fix anything if he won't friggin' listen to me!" she angrily asked out loud.

She exited on the main floor and walked fast-paced until she saw a familiar face. She quickly glanced again and then once more to make sure she had seen correctly. It was Mark.

'_What is he doing back here?' _

In an attempt to avoid him she changed directions, but that caught his attention.

"Addison!" he called, following after her.

She eventually relented and turned around to face him. "What, Mark? What are you doing here?" she asked, annoyed.

"Hey, relax. They called me in for a case. I was thinking maybe we could go out to dinner tonight."

"I don't think so." She spun back around and started to walk away.

"Why not?"

"It's too complicated. You and I are complicated. We have history and every time you come here, it just ends up causing some kind of problem."

"You know I'll always be here for you, even if we're just friends. Derek can't be mad at us just being friends. He can even come to dinner with us, but I doubt he'd want to," Mark reasoned.

"No, I can't. I just can't do this right now."

"I don't get you Addison! You follow Derek here after he practically ignored you in New York, you find out he has a girlfriend and still you stay with him, he still loves her and yet you're still with him. But back in New York, who did you run to when Derek was indifferent? Who was your shoulder to cry on after he came here? Who did you call when you found out about Meredith? Who was the one who was there for you two months ago after you and Derek had a big fight? Why do you always chase him and I'm always the one who has to pick up the pieces after he upsets you and still, you want to be with him and not me? When are you just going to give up?"

She stopped, and turned around, just looking at him and not knowing what to say. After a minute the anger hit her. "I'm not chasing him, Mark. He's my husband. He chose me. You mean nothing to me. I wish you would just leave me alone!"

"That's not what you said two months ago when we slept together!" he shouted.

"That was a mistake! A big mistake. And look where that got me- knocked up with your child and fighting with Derek again!"

"Wait…what did you say?" he asked, his mouth agape.

Addison's eyes widened as she realized what she had just said. She looked around to see if anyone had heard. _'Of course they heard,' _she thought to herself. _'This is an open hallway and we were yelling.'_

She walked back towards him to continue their conversation quietly.

"Okay, I haven't told anyone yet. Derek is the only one who knows I'm pregnant, and he knows it's not his. He's always wanted to be a father and it's killing him that I'm having another man's baby. It's killing me too, but I couldn't bring myself to end this pregnancy." She took a breath. "We've both wanted a child for so long and now that it's happening we're thrilled. Well…we were thrilled until we found out it wasn't his baby. I'm still happy to be having a child and I hope Derek and I can raise it as his…if he ever forgives me."

"Wow." He tried to take in everything he had just heard.

"Yea. Please don't say anything. I don't want anyone else to know yet."

He laughed. "I think they'll find out after you basically shouted it to the whole hospital."

"But there wasn't anyone around to hear it."

"Hold on," Mark suddenly seemed angry, "were you ever planning on telling me that I'm going to be a father?"

"I was, but just not yet." She sighed and shook her head. "I just didn't know what to say. And you know you shouldn't tell anyone before the third month."

"I'm not _anyone _Addie! I'm the _father_!"

"I wanted to talk to Derek about this before I told you, but he's not talking to me right now. So I was waiting-"

"Look, you're obviously still in love with Derek and who knows how he feels. You may not be tired of chasing him, but I'm tired of chasing you. I'm done." With that, he turned around and walked in the opposite direction.

Addison suddenly felt very alone. She hadn't really thought about relying on Mark, but somewhere in the back of her mind she knew he'd always be there, and now he wasn't.

'_Oh well, hopefully this means he and Derek won't fight this time.' _She thought, trying to make herself feel better.

She started to feel dizzy, but shrugged it off when her pager beeped.

'_There's no time for me to feel sorry for myself. I'm Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd, well-respected neo-natal surgeon, and my patients need me.' _ That didn't make her feel any better either.

'_Alright Addie,' _she told herself, _'just put on a brave face, pretend like nothing happened, and no one will know the difference.' _

She just hoped no one had heard her conversation with Mark because she didn't feel like answering their questions or being gossiped about.

Little did she know, one of the last people she would have wanted to tell, Meredith Grey, was in one of the nearby doorways and heard every word. She knew something was obviously going on between the Shepherds since Addison was staying at her house, but she had no idea how big it was.


	7. Tonight I Wanna Cry

**_Author's Note: Sorry it took me forever to update! I wasn't sure if I was going to continue because I don't even really like this chapter much right now. But hopefully this chapter will help it go where I want it to. I'm determined to finish a story! Read and review please, whether your comments are positive or negative. Oh, and I think this chapter focuses more on Addison, but the next chapter should incorporate more with Derek and Mark and what they're thinking too. I should also do that for the interns. There was supposed to be a scene with them at the restaurant in this chapter, but I was too tired to write it last night so I said I'd do it today, but I just got back from my dance recital and it's already after midnight and the chapter is long-ish anyway so I'll save their conversation in my head until next chapter! And some of this may seem out of character, but maybe they don't need to be in character in this story? Why? Um…because I said so! Not a good enough reason? Okay, I'll work on keeping them more in character next time!_**

**_Disclaimer: So it's been a while, but unfortunately I still don't own the characters or the TV show. I tried to gain some rights, but Shonda won't return my calls! ( haha, I love when people put funny things here so I try to come up with funny ones, but they're just not as good! Um…at least I tried!)_**

The next day at the hospital Addison walked into the cafeteria by herself. When she entered it felt as if time froze; it seemed that the room fell silent and all eyes were fixed on her. She told herself that she was just imagining it. She scanned the room for someone to sit with. Derek was sitting with the Chief. Normally she could have sat with Richard, but not today, not with Derek there. She saw some of the interns at a table together, but she knew she'd start more rumors I she sat there. Mark was at a table by himself and when Addison looked over at him, he gave her a look that seemed to say, _'Don't even think about sitting here.'_ She wondered how long she had been standing in the doorway. It felt like forever and she knew if she didn't move soon she would attract more unwanted attention. She felt like turning around and leaving the cafeteria, but that would be running from her problems. She had to be strong. Luckily for Addison, Dr. Bailey walked up next to her at that moment carrying a tray of food.

"Come on Addie, let's go find a seat."

"Thank you Miranda," she said quietly once they sat down.

"Hey, what are friends for?" She smiled and joked, "I'm only a Nazi when I'm dealing with my interns!"

Addison laughed.

"Speaking of interns, are you really living at Grey's house?"

"I'm just staying there for a short time. It's really just temporary. I'll start looking for my own place soon."

"You could've come to me, you know. Tucker and I always have room for you."

"I appreciate that, but you guys have baby William now and I don't want to impose."

"Don't worry."

"It's okay. I'm fine at Meredith's for now."

"And she's okay with it?" Dr. Bailey asked, skeptically.

"She seems to be." Addison shrugged.

"I never thought I'd hear that!"

They both laughed.

The rest of the day seemed to pass quickly and although no one had directly said anything to her, Addison was sure they had all heard about what happened between her and Mark. She could tell by the pitying glances and dirty looks she received, and the whispering seemed to follow her everywhere. She couldn't wait to get out of there and back home. Then she realized that her current 'home' was Meredith Grey's house and with three gossip-loving interns, it wasn't likely that she would get much of a break there either. She decided she'd spend the remainder of her evening in "her" room by herself.

Later that night Izzie, George, and Meredith decided to go out to dinner since none of them were on-call that night.

A few minutes before the left George asked, "Hey guys, do you think we should invite the She-Shepherd? She seemed upset before and maybe this would cheer her up."

Izzie nodded and looked at Meredith.

Meredith sighed. "Fine. But you have to ask her since it was your idea," she said, directing the comment at George.

"Okay." He walked down the hall to the guest room where Addison was staying. He knocked lightly and called uneasily, "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd? It's George."

"Come in," she answered.

He walked in and found her sitting on the bed reading.

Before he had a chance to say anything she took off her glasses and spoke, "When we're not at the hospital I told you to call me Addison. Hey, I'll even answer to Satan!" she joked. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd is just so long and formal to say outside of work." She gave a small smile.

"Yea, okay." He smiled awkwardly. "We, uh…me, Meredith, and Izzie, we're going out to dinner in a while. Do you wanna come?"

Addison thought about it for a minute. She hadn't been invited anywhere in a while and it might be nice. Their impromptu movie had been kinda fun too. In some ways being with them reminded her of when she and Derek were interns and how they fell in love. But then she thought of the looks of pity people had given her all day and wondered if this was a pity invite too. She wasn't feeling all that great anyway and refused to appear vulnerable in front of them again.

"Um…I'll pass tonight, but thanks anyway." She barely looked up.

"Okay, see you later." He closed her door as he left the room, and then headed back to the living room.

Meredith and Izzie looked at him expectedly.

"She's not coming."

"That woman is so hot and cold, friendly one minute, harsh the next. And then she wonders why I'm afraid of her!" he muttered as he walked to the door. Then he turned to the girls, "You guys coming?"

"Yup."

"Let's go."

As soon as Addison heard the front door slam shut and the car pull away, she broke down into tears. She took off her glasses, put down her book, and cried for everything she had been holding in. She just lay in bed sobbing, not caring about anything but her problems, first with Derek, then with Mark. Despite the fact that her pregnancy had caused some of her problems, she already loved her unborn baby. Secretly she worried about bringing her baby into the world. How would a child adjust to a situation that even she couldn't adapt to? What if she wasn't a good enough mother? What if neither Derek nor Mark wanted to be a father figure to this innocent child? She hadn't realized how long she'd been dwelling on these thoughts until she heard the front door open and voices heading towards the living room.

Half an hour later the first floor was quiet. She had heard the voices go upstairs about ten minutes earlier so she figured it was safe to sneak to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk before bed.

When she reached the kitchen she flipped the light on and then gasped, surprised to find Meredith sitting at the table eating one of the cookies Izzie had made earlier in the week.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just having a quick snack. Want some?" Meredith pushed the cookie tin towards the other woman. "Izzie makes great cookies."

Addison shook her head and instead went to the refrigerator. She poured her milk and heated it in the microwave.

Meredith hadn't said anything more, but Addison felt the intern's eyes following her. She figured she should be polite and join Meredith at the table until one of them had finished.

She pulled her chair out. "Is it okay…?"

Meredith nodded.

"So, why were you sitting in the dark?"

Meredith shrugged. "It's just peaceful I guess."

"I'll be gone in a minute and I'll turn the light back off on my way out."

"Nah, it's fine." Meredith waved her hand dismissing it.

Meredith hadn't looked closely at Addison when she entered the kitchen, but now in the light, she saw sadness in the older woman's eyes. She noticed they were a bit red and her face was slightly puffy. She knew, from her own experience, that Addison must have been crying.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked.

Addison gave a small nod and a weak smile. "I'm fine."

"Because you look upset and you have a lot going on, so I totally understand why you'd be upset."

"Meredith, I am not having this conversation, especially not with you," she replied firmly.

"You don't want to talk to me about it, I get that. You do need to talk though. What about Izzie? She's a good listener. I can go get her right now."

"No. I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You need someone to be there for you. Friends help, I promise. They helped me."

"I don't need anyone," Addison said, fully knowing that it was a lie. She needed someone now more than ever, but she wasn't ready to trust anyone and let them in. She had been hurt too much lately and lonely too often.

Tears stung her eyes but she didn't let them fall. She wouldn't let Meredith see her cry.

"I know what it's like Addison…to have everyone gossip about you, the looks, the whispers. And at the end of the day you go home…alone…feeling like crap. And nothing can get rid of the pain. Everyone needs someone."

"Well I don't," Addison snapped.

"Fine. Be stubborn then," Meredith shot back. "Why do I even try to be nice!"

She pushed back her chair and stood up, ready to go up to her room for the night.

This was too much for Addison to deal with. _'Damn pregnancy hormones,' _she thought to herself. The tears began to spill down her cheeks uncontrollably.

Meredith wasn't quite sure what to do. She hadn't expected Addison to start crying.

"I-I'm sorry Addison. I didn't mean that. You'll talk when you're ready," she said soothingly.

"It's not what you said," Addison said through tears.

Despite their past history, Meredith did what she would have done for one of her friends in this situation. She walked around the table and sat down in the chair next to Addison. She put her arm around the other doctor and pulled the attending's head to rest on her shoulder.

Meredith smoothed the redhead's hair and comfortingly whispered, "It's okay. It'll be okay."

Of course neither of them knew if it really would be okay, but Meredith didn't know what else to say and Addison was grateful to hear it.

Addison allowed the tears to continue falling for another few minutes before wiping her eyes and standing up.

"Well I should get to bed. I have an early day tomorrow and I'm sure you do too."

Meredith nodded.

Addison started to walk away, but then turned back. "Meredith?"

As an answer, Meredith looked up at her, ready to listen.

"Thank you. And can we please just keep this between us? I really don't need the whole hospital or even just my current roommates to find out about my mini-meltdown."

Meredith half-smiled. "Sure. Night."

"Good night."

Addison walked back to her room. She was slightly embarrassed, but at least Meredith had been understanding. She was just hoping that either Mark or Derek would change their attitude towards her, preferably by tomorrow, because she didn't want to go through another day like today.


End file.
